Living in Fear

When I was a kid, I had an irrational fear of tornadoes. During the summer months, I had an overwhelming sense of dread that something terrible was going to happen to me or my family. I remember looking out our front door, checking the temperature, searching the skies for funnels and retreating into my safety bubble. It really held me back from participating in youth group and community events. I had no idea what was wrong with me, so I just assumed I was going to live in fear for the rest of my life. I wasn’t wrong.

My tornado phobia (or Lilapsophobia, thanks Google) eventually went away during my early tween years. It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that the familiar feeling of dread reared its ugly head. Nobody was openly talking about it, but my brother and I knew that our family was falling apart. Mom would sleep on the couch and we could tell Dad was treading water just to stay afloat. My safety net was disappearing fast and now I had something to be truly scared of: abandonment.

I lived alone most of my senior year of high school. I’m not sure when it first started, but from the time I woke up in the morning to the time I went to bed, I carried the same overwhelming sense of dread. Things got so bad for me that I would pass out in class. I remember my classmates asking if I was diabetic or epileptic. I didn’t know what to tell them, so I just white-knuckled it through the rest of my senior year and into my college years. It was at this point in my life that I began down a slippery slope of codependency, unhealthy coping skills, and ultimately alcoholism.

For 24 years, fear had robbed me of the plan God created me for. I completed the treatment program for my alcoholism in 2015, but I still hadn’t fully surrendered my life to Him. I was sober, but I was back to square one with my anxieties. I would compare myself to other people and sell myself short a lot. I had negative self-talk telling me that I was damaged goods and that I’ll never amount to anything resembling a healthy, successful life. I was jealous of those in authority over me. I wondered why I couldn’t have it all together. That’s when I heard a different voice deep within myself.

“You aren’t jealous of leaders; you are afraid to lead.”

It took me a while to take these words to heart. Up until now, I had been taking the “never try, never fail” approach to life. From all the years of feeling less than and incompetent, I was wearing a mask of false humility. Rather, I appeared humble and conscientious on the outside, but believed I was a failure in my heart. I was afraid to get sober, too. It wasn’t the fact I’d miss being obliterated, it was the fear of relapse and failure.

Today, I still struggle with fear and anxiety. I worry about being a good man, husband, and father. To be honest, it’s a lot easier to get sober than it is to forgive yourself and leave the past behind. And a lot of days, I replay my life choices and question God’s call on my life. But God doesn’t necessarily call the qualified to do His will. Like Jonah, Moses, or Paul, God is working through my insecurities to help others and to bring Him glory. He replaces my fear with courage.

“for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

2^nd Timothy 1:7